Helping
Students Solve Their Own Problems
Reprinted
from Conflict Resolution Training Underway
Educators
are more and more interested in having students develop
effective skills to resolve their own conflicts whenever
reasonable. Too much valuable teaching time is taken up
arbitrating solutions to problems that students could solve
on their own if they had the right skills.
The benefits of students solving their own problems are
numerous - children become more responsible and less authority-dependent;
teachers have more time to teach; students learn lifelong
skills; teachers find a more cooperative classroom environment;
and parents report more peaceful homes and neighborhoods.
In our school’s conflict resolution program, we are
training students to manage conflict and solve their own
problems in productive ways. We are training them to mediate
disputes. In mediation a neutral third person helps
the two parties come up with their own solution to their
problem. Mediators, are neutral and impartial and do not
offer advice or solutions.
We are also teaching students negotiation i.e.,
two people talking out a solution to their problem. Negotiating
a conflict can be done informally or formally. Informally,
two friends may decide to talk a conflict out fairly. With
adequate conflict-resolution skills, they can come to an
agreement without going through the steps formally. The
informal approach also lends itself to a problem or conflict
that is uncomplicated and not particularly intense.
But when students are just learning, or when the problem
solving negotiation requires more structure, a step-by-step
process is appropriate. A copy of this
process is attached. We suggest you post it in your
home for easy reference. It helps the parties always know
exactly where they are and what to do next.
Why Teach Problem-Solving?
We want our students to grow up with a different perspective
about conflict - a perspective that looks at conflict as
an opportunity to grow, learn and create. Learning problem-solving
skills prepares kids for the future. Life is moving at such
speed that we need people who can think fresh, who aren’t
tied to positions, and who aren’t afraid to be wrong
in search of being right. Problem solving is a lifelong
skill that is useful. Businesses crave employees who can
solve problems, and they’re looking not just for average
problem solving, but for critical thinking, conflict-resolution,
brainstorming, and breakthrough thinking that goes beyond
old ways of doing things.
How Parents Can Help
Ask neutral questions instead of offering solutions or
advice: Good questions have the underlying message of "I
value your ideas and I want to know what you think."
This creates an atmosphere in which young people want to
volunteer their thoughts, to participate in discussion,
and it invites them to be creative and to use higher order
thinking skills.
Rather than to present answers, we can facilitate learning
by putting forth situations to explore, asking questions,
helping children develop options for grappling with real-life
problems. Key questions can help to move things along. Here
are a few examples: What would happen if … ? How would
you like the situation to change? What are you worried will
happen? What do you really want? We can’t change the
past, so what do you think you could do now?
Model negotiating solutions to problems: Once again, we
want to emphasize the importance of modeling the behaviors
we want others to learn. How we act is as important
as what we are teaching.
Take advantage of day-to-day opportunities: The best way
to reinforce the concepts and skills of productive conflict-resolution
is to make use of opportunities that arise in the day-to-day
life. When a conflict arises, use the word conflict
to name what is happening. Remind children that conflict
is how we learn and grow. For example, when a conflict arises
at home, take time out to listen to what kids are saying;
don’t be afraid to say that you expect them
to solve the problem fairly and guide them using the negotiation
steps and key questions.
Involve the whole family: A group of people can often come
up with creative solutions together. Some families have
a special time and place for family meetings. Depending
on the reason for the meeting, they can reach a resolution,
air concerns and feelings in a safe place, and make decisions.
Encourage Creative Thinking: As individuals continue to
grow and mature, they recognize that problems are more complex,
interrelated, and in need of critical and creative thinking.
Creative thinking uses brainstorming, and is driven by open-mindedness.
Creative thinking sees each problem as unique, and works
to solve it in fresh ways.
Creative thinking forces us to let go of our past and think
in the moment: "How could we do this differently?"
or "Do we really need this?"
Give Conflict Resolution a place in your home: Studies
have shown that students use the skills of conflict resolution
when there is a time and place to use them. Otherwise, they
are less likely to use them on their own. Many teachers
and families have a designated corner for resolving conflicts.
This works especially well since resolving conflict is easier
in a safe space - a place where one can feel vulnerable
and not get judged or attacked. With young children a special
mat or rug can serve the purpose, too.
A special place is important to set up ahead of time so
it is ready to use when a conflict arises. Involve the children
in the choice of location, let them fix it up, so they feel
a sense of ownership.
Talk It Out Steps
- Get Started
Ground rules:
- Agree to solve the problem
- No name calling
- No put downs
- Tell the truth
- Tell Your Story Using I-Messages
- Be specific about what happened and how you feel
- Ask questions
- Together, define what the real problem is
- Talk About What You Need
- Say what you need
- Restate what the other person needs
- Find a Solution Both of You Can Agree On
- Brainstorm options
- Summarize your agreement
- Talk about what you'll do next time
- Shake hands and thank each other for working it
out!
